MotherGather

Posted By diblog on May 2, 2010

Thank you for being here! I hope you find what you came for.

Here is the story behind MotherGather. When I was pregnant, I asked practically every mother I could find to tell me her birth stories.  I wanted to hear what birth is really like, not the hypothetical situations you read about in pregnancy books or learn about in prenatal class.  Most media can only make generalizations, since every birth experience is different.  I wanted true stories, including brutal details where applicable (even the “horror stories”) because I wanted to know what the possibilities were.  Whatever my birth experience would be – and I knew it was unlikely to follow my “birth plan” – I wanted to have some genuine perspective.

I was thrilled that so many moms were willing to share with me, and it was clear what an immediate bond there is among mothers when they get talking about birthing experiences. What I realized most was that birth stories are as incredible, beautiful, and unique as the women who went through them.

So, I created this blog to be filled with birth stories, ones that get into the nitty-gritty, so that moms-to-be can read about what it’s really like, and other moms can know how much they have in common.

Once I began petitioning my mom friends for their stories, I realized that this project is actually much more than that. Many moms-to-be want to know about other mothers’ experiences – the whole truth; they don’t want to be told, “You’ll be fine,” or “You don’t want to hear about that!” Everyone knows birth is not a walk in the park – so what is it, in reality?

Just as importantly, I’ve seen that moms have a need to tell their stories. These are our “war stories”: for many of us, the toughest, most intense adventures we will ever go through, ones that leave us scarred and different, but stronger and deeper. We should be, and are, proud of what we did and endured to get our babies into our arms.

My hope is that, beyond birthing, we will be a community that can share other experiences as well. Like birth, adoption is an amazing, difficult, emotional process with unique challenges. Families that go through fertility treatments or missed pregnancies deal with pain that many people are hesitant to talk about. But really, most of us find that when we share our stories, particularly the hardest ones, we find comfort in each other, and we learn a lot. I dearly hope that MotherGather can be that kind of community.

For now, let me say this: if you are looking for pretty stories, look elsewhere.  If you want someone to tell you that your birthing experience is likely to go according to your birth plan, this isn’t the place.  If you don’t like graphic descriptions or terminology, if you don’t want to hear that it’s hard, you’d best move along.

If you want to read real birth and baby stories from real women, ones that don’t tiptoe around the pain or the work or the indelicate words, you’ve come to the right place.  If you’ve come here to share the mother-bond, the unforgettable experiences and emotions that tie mothers together all over the world… well, that is what MotherGather is designed to be.

Again, thank you for coming – and I hope you’ll keep reading!

***

Category: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Tags: adoption, assisted, back labour, breech, c-section, distress, doula, drug-free, dystocia, emergency, epidural, episiotomy, first child, fourth child, high-risk, homebirth, hospital, induction, long labour, midwife, narcotics, natural remedies, nitrous oxide, older mothers, overdue, poetry, premature, rectal prolapse, second child, short labour, siblings, single mothers, stillbirth, tearing, third child, transfusion, twins/multiples, uterine prolapse, vaginal, VBAC, younger mothers

Posted By diblog on January 4, 2012

Dear Zack,

Here is the story of your birth.

Peter (Daddy) and Tasha (Mommy) were interested in having a baby, but Mommy lost her period for a year due to a medication she was on, so she was really worried about infertility – she didn’t know what had happened at first. They kept waiting for it come back but it never did – or so it seemed.

Well, for their summer vacation in 2008, they went to High Sierra, a music festival in San Francisco. Four days before the vacation, Mommy started to get sick every morning, and throughout the vacation, she had bad burpsies and sicky times very often. She could not figure out what was wrong, and she had not been drinking in the least!

Then when she returned home she was sick at work for two days, then decided to call the doctor and ask him what was wrong – she thought maybe she had stomach cancer. The doctor agreed to see her that evening so she went in and explained what she had been feeling. He said “Well, let’s try a pregnancy test.” Mommy thought that was funny, since she still had no period, so did not realize she might still get pregnant.

Well, he came back and said “You are very pregnant!” She was overjoyed since she had wanted a baby for some time and was very worried about the possibility that she might not be able to conceive. Funny thing was, Daddy had said before she left for her appointment that he thought she was probably pregnant.

So then Mommy went through about 8 months of sicky and nausea and burpsies, but the reward at the end was worth every second.

In September, when Mommy was about 5 months pregnant, a band that Mommy and Daddy really liked who had gone into retirement, Phish, decided to make a comeback. They announced one series of shows – three nights in Hampton, Virginia. The tickets were impossible to get, but in January a friend they had traveled with, Tara, decided to ask Mommy if she would mind if Daddy was offered an extra ticket she had. (more…)

Category: 2000s, February babies | No Comments »
Tags: drug-free, first child, hospital, midwife, natural remedies, vaginal

Posted By diblog on September 14, 2011

It was January, 5 days before my due date, when it all started, and I was not really sure
what was going on. Remembering the midwife’s message of “it can take a long time”
we thought we would head out and go shopping… let nature take its course… that
way I could keep moving and distract myself from the cramps. It was a great idea
and the afternoon progressed with some fun, laughs and the occasional need to stop
and sit down!

When we got home, I cooked dinner, sitting down on a chair for each contraction,
because it felt best for me to sit on a hard surface with my legs at a 90-degree angle.
Strange how these things work! I finally called the midwife, and said, “I’m feeling
these contractions but I don’t know for sure if it’s early labour.” She reassured me
that I was likely in very early labour and to just keep going and call her later.

It was a bittersweet evening. The day I had been waiting for was here, but I was
annoyed. I’d planned to go for the best cheesecake in town that week with three of
the women from my pre-natal class. Food, fun friends, what could be better. Now I
was the first one to go into labour, and it didn’t look like I’d be able to keep that date
– even though REALLY wanted to. Looking back… I should have gone.

The midwife said to take a warm bath, along with some pain relief, and go to bed.
The pain went away partially, although all night I was waking up every half-hour or
so with a strong contraction.

The next day, I was pretty sure the baby was coming soon. My husband stayed home
with me. I went about my day, having contractions about 5 minutes apart, for about
30 seconds each. It was uncomfortable but bearable and didn’t seem to really be
so bad. Of course I kept asking myself when it was going to progress… let’s get this
show on the road! (more…)

Category: 2000s, January babies | No Comments »
Tags: drug-free, first child, hospital, long labour, midwife, positive

Posted By diblog on September 14, 2011

This is the story of the stillbirth of my son, Sebastian. It was a memorable experience, if not a happy one. I have written it without really softening the edges.

When Sebastian was born, we already knew he wasn’t alive. Just before noon on July 8th, we found out the results of that morning’s ultrasound, which showed that our son had died unexpectedly earlier that day. He was at almost 35 weeks gestation.

The only warning had been two days before, at an extra ultrasound to follow up on an echogenic bowel found at 20 weeks. This test showed that Sebastian was measuring much smaller than he should have been, and that there was zero amniotic fluid, even though blood flow was fine, and the baby seemed normal-size on palpation. We knew he was breech, but not in danger at that point. We then had a non-stress test at the hospital, which showed that he was not in distress. The evidence, taken all together, didn’t make sense.

And then his heartbeat was gone.

We were still in shock as the doctor and midwives explained our next steps to us. We would be given a prescription to begin induction, doses to be taken twelve hours apart, and started whenever I was ready. The pharmacist said to take one dose before bed and the next one in the morning… and that’s what I did, because I didn’t know how else to know I was ready. Finding out your baby is dead makes you afraid to keep him inside, but also unwilling to let him go. We had started to feel the grief, but beyond that, we hadn’t yet started to process anything. (more…)

Category: 2010s, July babies | 2 Comments »
Tags: breech, hospital, induction, midwife, narcotics, second child, short labour, stillbirth, vaginal

Posted By diblog on November 25, 2010

I didn’t really have concrete expectations before I gave birth. My idea of what a birth would be like was glorified. As a nurse, I had seen two births that were not at all scary: one was a smooth birth with epidural, and it looked all beautiful and happy, just like you would hope it would be; the other was a C-section, so the mother was completely numb and I didn’t see any of the labour process. I had heard one bad story involving post-traumatic stress due to the level of pain… I saw the aftermath, and that scared me.

My due date was January 19^th. On January 9^th, a Saturday, I was woken up at 2 a.m. with what felt like period cramping. I wasn’t sure if it was labour or not, but it stopped after I put a warm pack on my stomach.

The cramping started again on Wednesday morning around 7 a.m., suddenly enough to wake me up. I had felt totally normal on Tuesday night, and my husband and I had even gone out of town for dinner with his parents – no sign that I would be going into labour the next day. It was basically the same thing, like period cramping but more widespread, back and front and even in the hips. We got up, called our parents to let them know what was happening, and I managed a breakfast of eggs and orange juice to keep my strength up.

Contractions were progressing: they would come every 10 minutes, then every 7, every 5, then back to 7 minutes. I was breathing through them, leaning on the kitchen counter, rocking back and forth – I tried using the birthing ball but it didn’t help as much.

We called the midwife around 11:30 a.m., and she said to take a shower, take a walk. I took shower, but I didn’t get out the door for the walk, because the labour seemed to be progressing too quickly to manage that. The midwife arrived around 12 or 12:30, and contractions were every 3 minutes by then. I felt pretty good, a bit nervous; the pain was bearable, I was still dealing with it when she got there, but it was definitely getting more intense. The midwife checked me and I was 3 cm. dilated.

What I didn’t know at that point was that Greg had called his mom, and said I was dealing pretty well, she had said, “Don’t tell her this, but it will get much worse.” Good thing he didn’t tell me that until after.

My midwife was helping me upstairs in the bedroom. I would lie on my side, and she would put pressure on my hips with each contraction, or sometimes I would stand and she would press to open up the hip bones; this helped a lot with the pain. She taught Greg to do it, which was even better since he was stronger.

Around 1 o’clock, contractions were lasting 45 seconds to a minute – though I was not really paying attention, thinking “Just get me through” for each one). I said “Are you going to check me?” and the midwife said “No, first-time moms take a while. We don’t check every 15 minutes because that would be silly. We check every 2 hours.” (more…)

Category: 2000s, January babies | 2 Comments »
Tags: breech, c-section, emergency, epidural, first child, hospital, midwife

Posted By diblog on September 12, 2010

A Perfect Birth

As Remembered by the Doula

Tania was referred to me in her last month of pregnancy. She felt that, had she received the right kind of support for her first delivery, it may have gone differently and less traumatically. After 3 prenatal visits and a refreshed course, Tania and Lorin were prepared for the birth of their second child.

Tania and Lorin called me (Heather, the doula) at 6:10 am on Aug 23 2009 with contractions about 5 minutes apart. After asking a few questions I suggested that they call the hospital and then let me know what they were told. Tania called back around 7:00 and said that they were told that they should come in but not to rush. I arrived at the house at 7:45am and found that Tania was having good contractions at about 3-4 minutes apart, was coping well while sitting on the ball but was feeling nauseous. After a few bouts of vomiting Tania decided that she would like to go to the hospital, so we packed up and left.

We arrived at the hospital at 9:15am, Tania was still vomiting but was already 4cm dilated. Lorin started counting out the contractions for Tania, letting her know when the contraction was half-over (30 seconds). In triage the nurse told her that hydration was not going to be a problem because she would likely have the baby within 2 hours. We all got a chuckle out of that. Within 15 minutes Tania was off the monitor and in her room.

Dr. S came in and gave a fairly negative speech about how the body tightens up beyond your control when you are in labour and that epidurals usually help. He said that Tania should be flexible in her desire not to have an epidural if possible.

At 10:15am Tania was still interested in being up and mobile but was definitely feeling the contractions more strongly, so she decided that the tub might be worth a try. What a great relief! Lorin spent most of the time showering her belly while counting out the contractions (15…30…45). Tania kept saying how great the tub was and seemed so surprised that more people weren’t made aware of this option. After a little over an hour, Tania started feeling a bit lightheaded and decided to get out. (more…)

Category: 2000s, August babies | No Comments »
Tags: doula, drug-free, hospital, positive, second child, vaginal

Posted By diblog on September 8, 2010

Erica’s Birth, July 1985

Hard to believe it was 25 years ago that my first daughter was born. Some memories will come and go, others fade with time, but birth memories stay with you forever!

Pregnancy was always something I dreamed of and looked forward to, even as a little girl. And let me be clear, I really do mean pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong. I adore kids, the younger the better, but I always imagined that my true state of being is pregnant. My first birth story is a textbook one. It amazes me that we all read countless books on pregnancy and birth, and yet no one really seems to come close to that textbook scenario. Well, that is, until it was my turn. (more…)

Category: 1980s, August babies, July babies, March babies | No Comments »
Tags: c-section, drug-free, first child, hospital, overdue, positive, second child, short labour, siblings, third child, vaginal

Posted By diblog on August 8, 2010

Birth Rites

on the day she was born
a small black bear emerged
from tall lime green grasses
as I rushed to arrive
my blood rushing too
no one to tell or see, but me
55-years-old and
alone
this, my first bear in
the wild world of my tame life

on the day he was born
Sunday, 7:13 AM, the sun shone
I, 30-years-old, ensconced in
the supposedly soothing ecru
virgin birthing room
ill-equipped, untried
the doctor reached for him and
unknown
snapped his collarbone
as he was pulled into the world

on the day I was born
she, also 30, took off solo
hummingbird, in a goldfinch taxi
called from the neighbours
no phone at their mid-American,
post-war bungalow
she and her heart hurried
on her own
her husband at home, holding onto
2 children, ages 6 and 3

on the day I was born
her heart raced, her skull
split from the spinal, her
ingrained migraines took hold
while I suckled once, twice, more
12 hours in the nursery
both our heads aching from the day
lonely
the separation necessary
with all her pain, top to bottom

on the day he was born
30 minutes after the afterbirth
contractions resumed
hot candy-apple blood coated my calf
unexpected pain, infuriating
fury and fatigue keeping fear away
later, flickers of unspent blood
shown
puce freckles adorning my face
along with 1 clashing crimson eye

on the day he came home
to a blocked bedroom community,
Bellairian suburb safe
green, tidy white, number 5121
my view of life blood-shot as
I reached for him
repeatedly and repeatedly, he
moaned
mewed, baby animal sounds
his broken bone unknown to me

on the day she came home,
3-days-old, to her Acadian cabin by the bog
I rushed into a pole, eye blossoming plum
and her broken-collarboned father
stole 7 hours alone
surveying his life top to bottom
while the unreliable
telephone
rang repeatedly and repeatedly
no one could reach him

on the night she was born
colours flashed and digits
ages, addresses, toes and fingers
pain, vital blood and bruises
where we were, how we hurried, what broke,
who we might be, strong, vivid
emotions wild as 1001 bears
roamed
and showed glowing through
brand-new, translucent skin

on the night she was born
she, and my own seared scenes, emerged
merging, impressed
like the repeating migraines
and the numbered memories
on the 11th day when I was born
no bear appeared but
full-blown
all the rest arrived
with me

Written and shared by Nancy S. M. Waldman from Nova Scotia, Canada, and Houston, Texas

***

Category: Uncategorized | No Comments »
Tags: poetry

Posted By diblog on July 11, 2010

It was the summer of 1974. I was 24 years old, married for one year.  I was pregnant for the second time, but this was going to be my baby to keep.

My pregnancy was fairly uneventful. The only craving I had was for fried shrimp at 2 in the morning. The closest I could get was a can of tuna. I ate tuna salad sandwiches almost daily. (This was before the scare of mercury in fish.)

My due date was July 9^th.  We moved on July 1^st, just a block down the road from a one bedroom to a two bedroom apartment. So many people came to help us move, I was not allowed to lift anything.  By 4 in the afternoon, everything was unpacked into the kitchen cupboards, the bed was assembled and made up and I was sitting down with my feet up and a cup of tea.

But, July 9^th came and went. I was still pregnant. The baby came two weeks early in my first pregnancy. That wasn’t happening this time around.  By July 15^th, I was refusing to answer the phone.  People would call and ask why I was still there.  By July 20^th, I was telling people that I had decided not to have a baby after all.  On July 24^th, I went to the doctor and asked why the baby hadn’t come yet. He said that he thought the baby was still a little small. That had me worried.  How could this baby be small?  My first baby was over eight pounds. I know that today, doctors won’t let women go that far past their due date, but he didn’t seem to be worried about this. (more…)

Category: 1970s, July babies | No Comments »
Tags: back labour, epidural, hospital, long labour, overdue, second child

Posted By diblog on June 9, 2010

Before giving birth, I tried to be as open-minded as possible about my options. I did my research, looking into homebirth, drugs versus drug-free, etc. I was open to the idea of an epidural – but not set on it unless I felt that I needed it.  We were prepared for the idea of a C-section if necessary – anything to make sure our daughter would be safe (we already knew she would be a girl). I knew a lot about risks and benefits of different choices, and prepared further by doing prenatal class and prenatal yoga. The yoga class was actually where I got the most realistic advice – they had speakers each week who gave us lots of helpful information.

My due date was Saturday, March 6^th. I felt ready 2 weeks before – I was exhausted and uncomfortable and had had enough. I also had a bad sinus infection a couple of weeks before she was due, but felt better by my due date. At that point, I felt fine, had no signs of going into labour – despite trying everything I could to get things going (evening primrose oil, raspberry tea, walking, sex, spicy food, etc.)  I’ve learned since then that they’re no point in pushing it if your body isn’t ready.  All of my attempts only left me feeling exhausted, crampy, and intensified the heartburn.

I noticed that at that point of pregnancy, people are uncomfortable to be around you – you’re like a ticking time bomb. “When are you due?” they say. “Tomorrow,” you reply. And they just shift away from you, trying not to make any sudden movements. (more…)

Category: 2010s, March babies | No Comments »
Tags: first child, hospital, midwife, narcotics, natural remedies, overdue, tearing, vaginal

Posted By diblog on May 27, 2010

(First written June 11, 2007: a doula’s perspective.)

G’s labour was my third attendance at a labour not-my-own. I am struck by the fact that, should I have been raised in a farming community far away from anywhere else, I would probably work very hard to become a midwife. I really enjoy being in support of a woman in labour. There is a different rhythm and reality to birthing-time, a sort of a parallel way of being that requires active watching and listening to another person: to me, it is as if the listening is as instinctive as the labouring. I sort of disappear, and time does, too, and there’s just this contraction, and then this one, and this run to get ice, and that run to get a blanket. (more…)

Category: Uncategorized | No Comments »
Tags: doula